Lessons From My Birth Story, Part II

I delivered my son after 31 trying hours, completely differently than the way I had prayed about so diligently. I felt let down by God, my Father, the Promise Keeper, the One Who had always answered my prayers for even the smallest things. Why had He chosen not to honor my request for a natural labor & delivery? Why had He chosen not to redeem me from the pain of childbirth like He had done for others? What had I done wrong?

“It must be because I allowed myself to be induced…”

This thought plagued me, rooted itself into every situation for the next 2 weeks. Baby J had to be deep suctioned after he was delivered. “It’s because I was induced.” He didn’t go to the bathroom for two days. “He is in distress because I was induced.” He cried for two hours every night, wanting to constantly nurse for comfort & be swaddled in the fetal position. I cried with him while guilt cried “This is because I was induced. He wasn’t ready. He needed more time. This is what I get for taking the timing into my own hands.”

As my own tears flowed each night, my husband showed me the grace I couldn’t show myself, grace I wouldn’t let myself receive from the Lord yet. He patiently repeated the logical things – we left it in the doctor’s hands, we didn’t ask for the induction, it could have been God’s plan since your fluid was low, & after all, God gave you a healthy baby boy. That doesn’t sound like punishment.

The hormones wore off & the fatigue became manageable, & I began to hear Him whisper in the quiet spaces that were starting to form. Imperfectly memorized scripture randomly came to mind. “There is now no condemnation…”, the verse about our Father who gives good gifts, Jesus is my Redeemer & Propitiation, His ways are higher than mine, His will is sovereign, God cannot be tempted & He does not tempt. I realized that even if I messed up, He forgave me the first time I asked, forgot, & gently smiled the next 25 times I asked.

For those two hours each night as I held my crying son, I wished that he was aware enough to fully receive my love, understand how safe he was, & be comforted by it. I wished he could express his needs so that I could meet them perfectly. I can imagine that my Father had the same desire as He watched me cry. “I wish she could grasp the depth of my Love for her & receive the comfort I want so badly to give to her. Does she not feel My arms so tightly embracing her? Can she not hear My gentle words in her ear? Feel each kiss I place on her cheek? If only she could understand the desire I have to be close to her, My daughter, My princess, whom I have redeemed & created for a purpose.” Now that I have a child of my own, I can just hear my Father mirroring the thoughts I have for him. It’s almost too deep to look straight into, that Love for him & His Love for me.

It’s almost too deep to look straight into, that Love for him & His Love for me.

I also feel fear, uneasiness at the newness in my arms. But my Father has already written each moment to come. This is why I can rejoice in time to come. Why I can rebuke the guilt of what may or may not have been God’s perfect will anyway. I can live in perfect peace that in the end, His will is done, no matter how often I mess up.

Over a month has passed & I realize, sheepishly, how many prayer requests He answered in all the fullness of His grace. I labored beside my husband the whole time. I held my son immediately & I was able to nurse him. I was able to labor naturally for 20 hours without subjecting us to medication unnecessarily. I didn’t have to have a C-section, a concern because of the width of my pelvis. I had prayed for redemption from pain, & this came in the form of the epidural, the thing I had feared most. This allowed me to rest & be fully alert to push & deliver my son. Despite low fluid levels, I was able to carry my son to full-term, fully developed, healthy & safe. He was so strong & alert from the very beginning. Worth the extra two days! God showed me that I could endure more than I thought I could with the help of my family, angels in the form of nurses, & His Holy Spirit. I can shed the guilt that the Tempter so cleverly placed when I was in my most vulnerable state.

I can’t end this blog with a huge statement of what I learned because I am still learning. I have no big lesson, just my story & my testimony of redemption through child-bearing. What I can say is, be thankful for the story God has given you, no matter how messy, no matter how much you didn’t want it. Be humble in your requests. Always desire His will above yours. And when you don’t feel it, when you’re spiritually confused, cling to what you know, remember who God is, & let yourself be comforted.

 


 

Side note: Some may read my story & recognize it as post-partum depression, baby blues, or, personally, spiritual warfare. In no way did this diminish the incomprehensible joy & wonder of those first two weeks with my child.  It just added another dimension. If you experience something similar, don’t fear it. Name it. Let at least one person in. Accept help with the meals & housework. And write it down. Most of this post was from my personal journal. The Lord is there & sometimes it takes us creating lines for Him to speak between…

6 thoughts on “Lessons From My Birth Story, Part II

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  1. I absolutely loved this post because I went throught the SAME exact thing with Aviv. My doctor had convinced me I needed to be induced because HE thought I wouldnt be able to deliever a 10lb baby. So I was induced at 40w and my water was broken for 20+ hours, which led to sepsis for both me and Aviv. We had to stop labor to lower my fever and her heartrate. In the end I had labored for over 40 hours and had to get an epidural (which I dont remember because I was so drugged up) and Aviv had to receive antibiotics, but was healthy and happy. His will was done. And with Anthony…yeah, that was way more of an ordeal. With the placenta previa, the hospital stays, not being able to see Aviv, Anthony being born 6 weeks early, and having him stay in the NICU almost 4 weeks…I was a mess. 10 months later I still deal with PPA but I have accepted that everything I went through had a purpose. God is amazing. We are amazing. Thank you for sharing. I love you ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my Emma!! Labor is such a complex thing. I can’t imagine how trying that was, but you came through it with a testimony! And two beautiful children 🤗 Thanks for sharing, its so encouraging. Love you too!

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  2. Most moving and beautifully written birth story! What a blessing your transparency and honestly is and I know it will be a blessing to many. It made me cry and smile all at once! Love you! You are such a good mommy!

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    1. Lydia thank you! I realized that my birth story and recovery is also a testimony and I needed to share it since I’ve heard so many other women who have had similar experiences. It’s only been a month but all of it is already such a sweet memory ☺️

      Like

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